What If?

Have you ever pondered… What if you chose this instead of the other? What if you did this instead of that? Are you having regrets? Or simply wondering, what if… Perhaps during some time in your life, you’ve been actually asked “if you could change one thing in your past, what would it be and why?”. Some kind of a pageant question huh? What about putting it this way, if you could go back to your past, when would it particularly be? I’ve been thinking about that thought more than two hours ago… What if I could actually relive my past, and correct each mistake I’ve done? I’ve even thought, what about my childhood but still retain all the knowledge and wisdom I have now. I’d be a genius during that time of my life! But well, that would be very boring I guess. Having my present urges and preferences but living my child body… geez, that would totally be a disaster for me. No internet, no playstation of any model, no PC or Mac, etc… I said to myself, it would be best to start with… when I actually screwed up big time. That would be the moment, right before choosing my course for college. I’m not entirely saying that it has been a waste. I had my benefits from it, Political Science. The way I think right now, research and writing stuff, philosophy… all developed because of it. But let’s accept it, the course, generally isn’t really for me. I took Pol. Sci. at first but was it mainly my field? No. What am I now, an artist, a Graphic/Multimedia Artist. Connection? 0… After two freaking years of taking the paper munching course, I shifted to Multimedia Arts. Well, that did it and I finally fit in. So what if I actually chose the right course in the first place. We wouldn’t have wasted time, and money, and shit after all! What if I chose Fine Arts which I crave of taking up as soon as I get to have the money for it. But then I thought… one single change in my past, would totally change the course of my entire future. Perhaps if I pursued AB Fine Arts in the first place with my first University I would land a better job and not have a God forsaken state of life that we have right now. I may not be able to save the family from crumbling but at least I would be able to hold it’s state, or better yet help it get back up. Then again, as I have said… one single change in the past would totally change the course of the rest of the future. If I chose the course I believe is right then I’d have a better job. With it, a better state of living. Still broken, but at least it wouldn’t be so hard for the family. Unfortunately, having a different course, not being able to shift and transfer college… having a different job, means entirely having a different community; entirely different friends. Would I still be able to know the friends I have now, the love I have now? That I do not know. If not, would I still have friends as great as the ones I have now? Again, I do not know… The idea made me pause for a moment… indeed, the one single change, would result to a major alteration. A great achievement for a great price I said to myself. That’s when I realized how dear to me my love and my friends are. That’s when I realized how important they are to me. I’m pretty sure of it, I wouldn’t exchange them for anyone else. I wouldn’t wager them for an entirely different life with entirely different friends. From our circle in Multimedia Arts up to those whom I have with me now… they are priceless treasures. They are my band of brothers and sisters, each contributing to whom I am now. Taking away a friend is like reaping your flesh off your own bones. So what if I could actually go back to my past, relive and obliterate my mistakes? That doesn’t matter now, history is history. Mistakes are there to remind us to choose and do better next time. It doesn’t matter whether we could change the past or not. The important thing is what we should do achieve what we should have achieved if we did better before. It’s not impossible, is it? What if’s? …not wrong at all to have such thoughts. Just don’t let it devour you, that you’d get trapped into your own blanket of shadows.